Initially, I was hesitant about sharing my experience with the public but I thought to myself that eventually, people would have to learn from me. I was told I would remain anonymous, I feel comfortable with that. I was also informed this month is dedicated to stories on addictions and fears, so, I will share with you the story of how I overcame my obsessions.
Hmmm… I was born in a ghetto environment and we all lived like a big family on my street. My dad was the Landlord association chairman and for this reason, our compound was a free zone for everyone. Need I mention, I had three step-mothers, so, you can imagine how reckless we were living. My older siblings had funny looking friends who usually slept over and did all sorts of things in our presence. They’d smoke, drink alcohol and speak vulgar languages. Well, I was just 10 and I cared less about them.
However, I noticed something strange about one of my elder brother’s friends. He always looked at me in a funny manner and he developed so much interest in me. He’d buy me nice things, junk food and what have you. Of all the other kids, I was his favourite. He thought me how to play games on his laptop and we’d play till I got tired. On this terrible day, I was going through his laptop (I was really smart) and I saw a funny-looking folder. As an inquisitive child, I opened the folder and saw the most horrible scenery ever. I guess I really wanted to know what it was all about, so, I opened it. Behold, I saw pornographic pictures and videos and just as I was trying to get out of that folder, he barged in and caught me staring.
He was extremely shocked and I was scared he’d scold me, so, I started to apologize. To my surprise, he felt so nonchalant and then the big statement came: You are now a big girl! My people, I was dumbfounded oh. He asked if I had ever seen anything like that and I responded with a loud voice: NO. To cut the long story short, he explained what I had seen to me and that was it. I started watching porn with him. What baffled me was the fact that he never touched me for one day (at least he didn’t molest me). I got so comfortable and I felt it was just a video anyway.
The following year, he moved to another state and a huge disaster befell me (no more video to watch). I was already so acquainted to watching those erotic videos with him. I couldn’t control the urge, so, I started practising all I had seen with my neighbour’s son. To avoid boring you with my story, let’s just say for fourteen years of my life I was addicted to porn. When I got into the University and had access to a phone, I’d watch and watch and watch till I got tired. You know the funniest part of it is sometimes I don’t sleep at night because I had to watch when my roommates were asleep. Let’s not forget the fact that I had already become a nymphomaniac and just saw men as an object of pleasure.
At age 25, I had this funny experience. My parents were already disturbing me about marriage. I dodged them, moved out of the house to stay with a friend of mine. You know how parents can be, they hooked me up with a family friend and we finally got married. I hid this dirty habit of mine from my husband before we got married to avoid being embarrassed or dumped. A month after our wedding, his sister came visiting, after preparing her meal, I went into the bedroom to relax and what distracted me was the way she called my name. Let me burst your bubble: she caught me in the very act, watching x-rated videos as usual. At that point, I realised I was done for, so, I narrated my story to her. She advised me to tell my husband so we’d seek help from an experienced person.
I opened up to him and he told me he had caught me severally but just decided to keep it to himself until I spoke up. We visited a therapist and after series of sessions, I got better. I must confess, it wasn’t easy. Let’s just say I got married to my man. I can boldly say we’ve been married for ten years now and we’re living happily. I teach in a secondary school and I have made it a point of duty to educate my students on issues like this. That’s my little way of contributing to their lives.
Trust me, this story cannot explain all I went through but I’d stop here. I want you all to realize this: hiding things from people that matter most to you won’t help matters. The moment you realize you are getting damaged, kindly speak up, I repeat, speak up! There were times I was humiliated in the hostel and got miserable, there were times I’d excuse myself from classes just to satisfy my cravings. Don’t shy away from the truth!
I was asked to stay away from phones and all other gadgets that would tempt me, so, I got myself a small Nokia phone. There are painful sacrifices you’d make along the line, it’s for your own good. If you are in this stage, I’d advice you speak to someone you trust about it. You can’t solve problems like this on your own ohhhh. Speak up! Parents, watch your children and ask them questions from time to time. Don’t leave them with people you don’t trust (be at alert).
I feel relieved in a way and I’m glad I was given the opportunity to share my story. I can’t underrate God’s work in my life. I found Him and my life became better. Find Him too and find your inner awesomeness (that’s what you call it, right?)
God bless you!